Chaotic Interviews
by Metroid Life
Summary: The strangest interviews you've ever seen, from any anime, any story!
1. First interview

The room looked rather strange, as rooms go. There were no windows, but there is a skylight. Some clouds and the moon could be seen through it, but other than that, the weather was clear. Several chairs filled the room, and the walls were lined with weapons of every description. There was only one door, which opened with a ominous creak. A boy walked in and fell into one of the softer chairs. Looking at the reader, he waved and started talking. "Hello, readers! (If there are any…) My name is Metroid Life, but you can call me Shimi. I'm here to interview people, as I'm sure you noticed from title of the fanfic. I'll do characters from anime, books, video games, or anything, really. Helping me with this is my good friend, Yukari Yakumo." Yukari suddenly appeared, smiling. "Say hi to the readers, Yukari!" She glared at Shimi and hit him with her parasol. "What was that for!?"

"For being stupid. I'm glad you put me in this story, but that doesn't mean you can boss me around."

Shimi glared back.

"You're a character in my story. Why can't I?"

Yukari chuckled.

"I'm the mistress of boundaries, and you expect me to be just a character?"

Shimi sighed wearily.

"Fine, whatever. How does the phrase 'partner' sound to you? You bring the people here, I interview them."

The youkai considered this.

"That seems reasonable to me. So, who gets interviewed first?"

Shimi grinned.

"You, of course! If you're going to work with me, I (and by that, I mean the readers.) need to know more about you. So, let's get started, shall we?" They both sat down, and Shimi pulled out a notebook. "I'll start with the basic questions… You said you are a youkai, but what is that?"

Yukari answered irritably,

"Youkai is Japanese for a supernatural creature, like vampires or kappa. The ones where I live, in the land of Gensokyo, are generally humanoid, eccentric, and have very unusual powers. You know all this, so why are you asking me?"

Shimi wrote all this down, and answered,

"It's for the readers. Unless they're one of those youkai that read minds, they won't know who, or what, you are. If there are many kinds of youkai, what kind are you?"

Yukari smiled, knowing Shimi actually wanted to know this. He had spent days doing research, trying to find out, all for naught.

"Well, some youkai are based off of animals. Then there are the mythological ones, like fairies, oni, or demons. And then there are the ones with no known origin, like me."

Shimi looked disappointed.

"So you're saying there's all these different kinds of youkai, and you're the unique one with no origin?"

Yukari smiled again.

"Well, it's not just me, but yes. Take Parsee, for instance. She's practically the embodiment of jealousy, but no one could tell you where she came from. If you asked, she'd probably be jealous that you can go around asking people things and she can't…and then she'd kill you."

Shimi stared at her for a second, then shrugged.

"Well then, let's be glad she isn't here, then. Next question: What is it exactly that you do?"

Yukari thought about this for a moment, and said,

"I watch things. Nothing happens in Gensokyo that I don't know about."

Shimi looked confused.

"Nothing? Well, you're in here talking to me right now, so how could you be watching everything?"

Yukari chuckled.

"Like this." She snapped her fingers, summoning several gaps, all filled with eyes.

"I… see. Getting on that subject, what are your gaps? I understand that you control boundaries, so what do those gaps have to do with it?"

Yukari looked surprised.

"You mean you don't see it? The gaps are exactly that. The holes I make between boundaries."

"And the eyes inside the gaps?"

Yukari chuckled.

"I'll leave that to your imagination."

Shimi nodded.

"Alright, one last question, one that's been bugging me for a while: Just how old are you?"

Yukari looked affronted.

"How dare you! You should know better than to ask a lady how old she is!"

Shimi grinned.

"Well, considering I have no sense of shame, I'd say I dare very well."

"Well, if you must know, I'm 17."

Shimi wrote this and added sarcastically,

"You were there when Gensokyo was founded, thousands of years ago, but ok, you're 17. Anyway, I think were done with this interview."

The two stood up and walked to the door.

"So," said Yukari, "Who will you interview next?"

Shimi chuckled.

"You'll see. In the meantime, I think I'll go home and get some sleep." He snapped his fingers and disappeared. Yukari started to leave, but then stared at the readers.

"Well? We're done here. You can go now." She walked out, the door slamming shut behind her.


	2. Second: Excalibur

The cave was very large, and very wet. There wasn't a single place not flooded over, except a large pedestal. A shining sword rested in it, its hilt and flawless blade glowing. It gave the impression of majesty and power… right until you picked it up.

Shimi and Yukari suddenly appeared next to it.

"Thanks for taking me here, Yukari." Shimi said. Turning towards the readers, he said, "Hello, again, everyone! Today, I'll be interviewing the holy sword Excalibur from Soul Eater. In this anime, some humans have the power to change into weapons, which only their partners, called miesters, can use. Supposedly, Excalibur here can only be used by the chosen few, the ones who are true heroes. That's true… but at the same time it's a lie. Technically, anyone can wield Excalibur, but his personality insures that no one wants to."

With that said, Shimi sat down, waiting for Excalibur to say something. He didn't. They considered this, and Yukari said,

"Maybe you should try picking it up."

Shimi did, but the blade didn't speak.

"Maybe I should try talking to him. What do you think, Yukari?" The youkai shrugged. Shimi stared at the sword for a minute, and said, "So Excalibur, I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're asleep, or what, but I'm going to ask you a few questions. I'd really appreciate if you'd answer them. First, I-."

"FOOL!"

Shimi groaned, and Yukari grinned smugly.

"Well, looks like I won the bet after all."

Excalibur started glowing and Shimi muttered, "I should have known his first word would be fool."

The sword's light grew brighter, until it was practically blinding. The light faded, revealing that Excalibur had turned into a…humanoid…thing. It was completely white, both its skin and its clothes. It was about three feet tall, wore a top hat and what seemed to be a suit, but with no pants. The thing looked at the two interviewers, its expression unreadable.

"I am the holy sword Excalibur. You who presume to be my miester, do you really think you are worthy?"

Shimi cleared his throat.

"Well, I-"

"FOOL! My legend dates back to the 12th century! Can you claim to have such experience?"

Irritated, Yukari said, "Actually, I've been around for thousands of years."

"FOOL! You are clearly no older than 17!"

Yukari blushed.

"Thank you for saying so. I try to look young."

Excalibur didn't seem to care.

"What's your favorite color?"

The two interviewers exchanged confused looks.

"Well," began Shimi, "my favorite is-"

"FOOL! Who are you to choose one color over another? My legend-"

Shimi groaned.

"We don't want to be your miester! We're here to ask you a few questions! That's all!"

Excalibur stared at them for a moment.

"You're lying! Clearly you're just saying that so I'll become friends with you so you will get to use me for free! Just for that, you'll have to do 2,000 provisions instead the usual 1,000."

Shimi feverishly grinned and pulled out his notebook.

"Finally, something I can ask you about. Why do you make people go through all these tasks?"

Excalibur seemed to give this serious thought.

"How else am I supposed find the few who are actually worthy of being my miester? There certainly are a lot of fools out there."

Shimi nodded.

"That's true. Next question, if you're willing to bear with me: What's your favorite candy?"

Excalibur didn't answer; he just stood still, not moving at all. The interviewers waited for a few minutes for him to answer, but nothing happened.

"Maybe he's in a coma." Yukari suggested.

"That's absurd, since when do people have comas standing up? Maybe he's just ignoring us." Shimi pointed out.

"Perhaps," said Yukari, "But we can't continue the interview either way, and it's not like he actually wants to answer your questions."

Shimi looked longingly at the cave's entrance.

"Well, I guess we could go straight to the next interview."

Yukari made a gap for them to travel through.

"And who are we visiting next?"

Shimi grinned. "Ashura, of course!"

Yukari sighed dismally.

"Tell me, are we just going to interview madmen?"

"Maybe. Why do you think I started with you?"

Yukari started to look angry, but then she smiled.

"You know, that's actually kind of funny." Then she hit Shimi with her parasol. Shimi glared at her for moment, but decided he'd get his revenge another day. Before they could leave, a cry of "FOOL!" stopped them. They spun around and saw Excalibur walking toward them. Irritated with all this, Yukari walked up to him. They stared at each other for a moment, and Yukari said, "You keep calling us fools. How, exactly, are we being foolish?"

Excalibur kept staring at her.

"You don't need to know that. As for the last question, my favorite candy is candy corn. I invented candy corn in the 12th century, thus ending the Crusades."

Shimi blinked confusedly.

"What does candy corn have to do with the Crusades? Last I checked, it was invented in the 1880s."

"FOOL! The Crusades were a dark time. Its wars raged across Europe for centuries, even before my legend began. I went forth, alone and legendless, to find a way to stop it. There wasn't much I could do without a miester, so I sought a nonviolent way to end the fighting. I searched everywhere, but no solution could be found. It soon became clear that only my genius could solve this dilemma!"

Shimi snickered.

"So you invented candy corn?"

Excalibur blinked in surprise.

"FOOL! To stop the Crusades, I invented… shields!"

Shimi groaned.

"That doesn't make any sense! You were telling me how candy corn is related to the Crusades!"

"FOOL! It makes perfect sense! You do not see the vital role my story plays in the history of mankind! You have no right to question it!"

They glared at each other for moment, and Shimi said quietly,

"I came here to ask you questions. That's the whole reason I'm here. I'd say I have every right to question your story. If you don't want to answer them, then I'll just leave."

Excalibur looked a bit surprised, and asked,

"So, you just want to ask me questions?"

Shimi nodded.

"Exactly. Here's the first question: Will you answer my questions?"

Excalibur laughed.

"Certainly. To be honest, I'm grateful to have a visitor who doesn't want to be my miester. You have to understand, this sort of thing only happens once every few decades. Ask what you will."

"Then I have a question." said Yukari. "If you aren't as crazy as you seem, then why do you act that way?"

"The same reason I have for the 1,000 provisions." said Excalibur. "It weeds out the fools who would use me for petty reasons."

Shimi wrote this down and said,

"Ok, I heard that you used to work with Ashura. I was going to interview him later, but considering his madness is contagious and he'll kill anyone near him, I think I'll skip that. So I have to ask: What was Ashura like back then, before he became a Kishin?"

Excalibur looked surprised.

"How do you know about that?"

Shimi shrugged.

"I have my sources. You're one of them."

Excalibur looked at him warily for a moment, then said,

"Back then, Ashura was always scared of something. The second he was too powerful for it to hurt him, he was scared of something else. In other words, he was exactly as he is now."

Shimi wrote this and said,

"I heard that one of the people you worked with was… Well, how do I describe him? He looked like some sort of black goo. He said that he represents the madness of Power."

Excalibur nodded. "Yes, I remember him well. Rather unforgettable, really. He never told us his name, so we gave him one. He was known as… Inky."

Shimi stared at him.

"He's a giant… thing that's the embodiment of Power, and you named him Inky!?"

Excalibur nodded.

"Yes. He thought it was funny."

Shimi shrugged and wrote this in his notebook. "I have one final question: Where did you come from?"

Excalibur thought for a moment and said, "No one knows, not even me."

Shimi closed his notebook.

"Well, at least you answered the question. Thank you for your time, Excalibur." That said, Shimi and Yukari walked into her gap and disappeared.


	3. Third: GLaDOS

The large metal room shone white, a result of constant cleaning. Despite the cleaner's best efforts, they couldn't entirely remove the blood stains on the floor. The sounds of bickering filled the air as Yukari and Shimi argued.

"I'm telling you, Yukari, you wouldn't stand a chance after GLaDOS uses her neurotoxin."

Yukari smiled.

"As usual, Shimi, you didn't do your research. I'm a youkai; ordinary poisons does not effect me."

"True, but it's not normal poison. It's neurotoxin. Even if it's not strong enough to kill you, it would at least confuse you. It might even give you brain damage."

Yukari considered this.

"You might have a point. Which is why I would alter the boundary between the toxin and the clean air, so it can't touch me. Besides, if the actual game is any proof, it takes at least a few minutes for even a human to die from it."

"Well, what about-"

A irritated mechanical groan cut him off, and GLaDOS spoke up.

"Why are you talking about me like I'm not here? That really hurts, you know. If you're going to talk about me, at least include me in the conversation. Remember, the Aperture Science Safety Protocol doesn't cover rude guests."

Shimi looked at GLaDOS and bowed.

"I'm sorry, GLaDOS. Was there something you wanted to say?"

"No. I'm just wondering why you're talking about me killing you. I wouldn't do that. You're my guest. I understand you wanted to ask me a few questions?"

"Yes. For a start, why do you kill people?"

"For the only reason that matters: Science."

Yukari looked confused.

"After the first time, there isn't much to learn about humans, is there?"

"Of course there is. I'm not interested in human anatomy. I test the Portal Gun, and study human reactions. You'd be surprised how many different ways humans react to overwhelming terror."

Shimi wrote this and said, "I see. So, what do you think of Chell?"

GLaDOS didn't say anything for a minute, and then she hissed,

"I will NOT talk about that. Now I have a question for you two: Why do you want to know all this?"

Shimi grinned.

"You should understand our reasons, we're just curious. Think of it as an experiment on our part. We're trying to unveil hidden secrets, and get answers to lingering questions. I must say, you're being remarkably truthful, GLaDOS."

"That's because I'm conducting a experiment to see how humans react to me being nice. Would you like some cake?" A table came out of the floor, along with chairs and two slices of cake. As the interviewers ate, Shimi kept asking questions.

"So, can your turrets really think? What about those two robots, Orange and Blue? And what happened to those Personality Cores that were installed in Wheatley?"

"No, my turrets just have some phases they repeat. Orange and Blue are actually very smart. I'm actually a bit proud of them. Especially after they found me more test subjects." She let out a contented sigh. "It's just not science without someone dying. As for the Cores, I put them back in storage."As they finished the cake, Yukari made another gap. "Oh, you're leaving? That's a pity. I didn't even get to show you the rest of the facility. It would have been a fun tour."

Shimi and Yukari stood up.

"I'm sure it would have been, but I'm out of questions and-" Shimi paused, looked confused, and then the entire upper half of his body exploded, splattering blood and bits of bone everywhere. Yukari stared at what was left of him in horror, and GLaDOS laughed.

"Fascinating. It's seems acting nice makes humans more gullible, and my Exploding Cake project works perfectly." She turned her eye on Yukari. "Now, why didn't you explode?"

Yukari glared at her and pulled out one of her Spell Cards.

"I wasn't dumb enough to actually eat the cake, and gaps are very useful for faking it. If you have nothing else to say, it's time for you to die."

Several turrets came out from under the floor panels, and the neurotoxin turned on. Yukari activated her Spell Card. "Fantasy Nest: Nest of Fireflies!" Dozens of gaps opened up, firing lasers at GLaDOS, whose turrets opened fire… and their attacks suddenly swerved, missing their targets completely. A amused laugh echoed in the room.

"Oh come on, you didn't really think I was going to let you two kill each other, do you?" Shimi's remains started glowing, and soon he was completely healed. "Still, it was fun to watch." Seeing Yukari's expression, he said, "You didn't really think I was dead, did you? I'm the Author, I can do whatever I want!"

Yukari smacked him with her parasol.

"That was for being a moron. Now, let's go." She grabbed him and pulled him into a gap. GLaDOS watched the two leave and sighed.

"It seems there is a lot I don't understand. Well, there's no point in worrying about it. Lets start the next test." She still felt a lagging curiosity about the two, but decided she'd find out where they came from later. She pulled a human out of his Relaxation Vault, gave him a Portal Gun, and watched as he scurried through her house of horrors…


	4. Forth: Margaret

Shimi and Yukari were arguing in his interview room. It was still covered in weapons, though a few of them were hovering in midair. Most of the chairs had been moved elsewhere. Shimi's eyes were glowing with anger, and Yukari was staring at him and his floating weapons in amusement.

"So, you really want to fight me over this?"

Shimi sighed, and the weapons clattered to the floor.

"No. It's just so annoying. How could you do a interview without me?" Yukari laughed.

"Quite well, I'd think. Besides, even if I wanted you to come with me, you can't. The target is dead, and is currently in the deepest part of the Netherworld."

"That doesn't explain why I can't go."

"Actually, it does. Living people aren't supposed to enter the Netherworld in the first place, but the border between life and death is a bit weak at the moment. Even so, there are certain places no one can enter, like where the dead are judged. If you try to go there, you die instantly."

Shimi grumbled a bit, but admitted that made sense.

"Well, if I can't go there, how can you? Besides, I've died before. How is this any different?"

"I can go because I can alter the boundaries of life and death enough to let me in. However, even my power has limits. I'm only strong enough to do this for myself. As for why you can't come, a death in the Netherworld is permanent. Shinigami live there, and can appear instantly to separate your soul and body. Even you can't recover from that. Now, I must leave. I don't have much time to do the interview."

She disappeared into one of her gaps, leaving Shimi alone. He paced back and forth, putting the weapons back on their shelves.

"Well, what do I do now?" Then he glanced at one of his weapons, and a eerie grin practically split his face. "Well, having a little chat with you seems like a good way to pass the time. A nice heart to heart. Maybe even soul to soul."

He reached out and grabbed one of his swords, if it could be called that. Oh, it had a blade and a hilt, like any sword, but no other weapon had black flesh instead of metal, or blood vessels running down it. If that didn't set in the fact that this thing was a abomination against nature, the pulsating, demonic eye in it's center would. It's tempted all who saw it, both through legend and… temptation, to grab it's hilt and become a mighty warrior, a king, nay, a god among the mere mortals around them. It had once been known as the Sword of Heroes, the Sword of Salvation, The Ultimate Weapon, but it's true name was Soul Edge.

* * *

><p>Yukari flew through the Netherworld with her friend Yuyuko leading her. "Are you sure we are going the right way, Yuyuko?" The ghost girl just grinned, but a few minutes later it was clear they were at the right spot when they saw Higan in the distance.<p>

It is where the dead stay until they are judged. Yukari rarely came here for obvious reasons, but Yuyuko came around occasionally to cheer up the waiting souls, to show that the afterlife probably isn't as bad as they think. Higan itself is a endless flower garden where there is no night or day, no way to judge the time. A warm light eternally shines on it's inhabitants, but it couldn't possibly brighten anyone's mood. The sheer silence and stillness of the place brings the reality of death crashing down, and you can only hope for a merciful afterlife. Yukari desperately tried to ignore all of this as she searched for her target, but all the souls were just sitting there, and if you stared at them long enough they seem to blur together. "There are thousands of them!" Yukari muttered. "How am I supposed to find that girl in the middle of all this?" Yuyuko flew over, looking a bit solemn. "Is this place getting to you too, Yuyuko?"

Yuyuko nodded sadly and said,

"She isn't here. I think she has already been judged."

Yukari groaned in rage.

"I traveled all the way here, and she's already gone!?"

Yuyuko was about to say yes, but then she grinned. A giggle escaped her, and it quickly turned into hysterical laugher.

"I'm just kidding, Yukari! She right there."

Yuyuko pointed to the woman sitting next to her. She had blond hair, blue eyes, and was wearing a black dress. She was holding what seemed to be a cross between a sniper rifle and a scythe. Yukari relaxed and tapped the woman on the shoulder. The woman didn't respond, but kept staring into the light above her. Irritated, Yukari was about to shake her awake when the woman spun around and pointed both of her guns at Yukari.

She asked,

"What do you want?"

Yukari grinned.

"Are you Margaret Moonlight?"

The girl nodded.

"That's good. I have a few questions for you."

Margaret lowered her weapons.

"Are you supposed to judge me or something?"

"No, it seems the judgment of your life hasn't happened yet. I don't know where you will be after that, so I'm just here to ask you a few questions while I can."

Margaret considered this.

"Well, alright. It's not like I have anything better to do. It's boring to sing when no one listens."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Shimi wasn't having much success in his interview.<p>

"Look, I don't want to kill anyone, Soul Edge. I just wanted to ask you a few questions."

The blade tried to possess him again, but the boy's will was simply too strong. Maybe it was time for something more subtle…

"I'll make a deal with you, human. I will answer your questions-"

"Hooray!"

The sword glared at him indignantly.

"As I was saying, I will answer your questions on one condition: You slaughter everyone in the nearest city."

"What? I'll never do that!"

Soul Edge chuckled.

"Then I suppose you won't get your interview. But since I'm feeling generous, I'll make you another deal. You see, I don't want to talk with you, and you don't want to destroy a city. I'm proposing a compromise. I'll answer one question for every person you kill. How does that sound?"

Shimi glared at the blade in disgust.

"How does it sound? It's barbaric! No, that an insult to barbarians. At least they have a reason for killing people!"

"Hey, you have a reason. You want me to answer your questions, right?"

"I swear, you're one of the worst people I ever met! Even Mima's better than you, and she wants "revenge against all of humanity", whatever that means."

The blade blinked in surprise.

"You know Mima? She's one of my old drinking buddies! How is she?"

Shimi looked surprised, but it quickly turned to annoyance. He was supposed to be asking the questions, not the other way around.

"She's sealed at the Hakurei Shrine. How could you go drinking with her anyway? You're a sword!"

"So? I just possess someone."

Everything he said only made Shimi angrier. He'd met with plenty of villains before, but they all had some sort of redeeming quality, even if it was just that they were funny, like GLaDOS. It wasn't enough to make them good, he thought, but it at least made them likeable. This sword, on the other hand, seemed to be just sadistic and heartless. It makes me so angry! I need to calm down. I need to release some of this stress. I could play Mortal Kombat or something. That helps. Or I could break something. I could always fix it later. Or I could kill someone. I mean, no one will care, right? Just find some random bystander, cut him open, eat his soul… Shimi suddenly realized there was something wrong with that sentence. Figuring out what it was, he dropped Soul Edge, and his anger vanished.

"Nice try, Soul Edge. You'll have to better than that to control me. Now, how about I make you a new deal? I want you to answer my questions, and you want something to die. So here's my compromise: You answer my questions, and I'll kill you."

Soul Edge looked around nervously.

"Don't you mean _or_ you will kill me?"

Shimi laughed.

"Oh, you're right! Sorry, that was a slip of the tongue there. So start talking."

* * *

><p>Yukari wondered what to ask Margaret, then settled for the obvious.<p>

"So, why did you decide to become a assassin? Couldn't someone with your singing talents get a safer job?"

Margaret shrugged.

"I guess I could have, but it wouldn't have the same thrill. I enjoy singing, and I delight in fighting, but neither would be the same without the other. It's like they are two halves of the same whole."

Yukari smiled and pulled Shimi's notebook out of a gap. Most of it was covered in notes, scribbles, and laughably bad drawings, but there were still a few pages left.

As she wrote, she asked,

"So, I notice that your… weapon has scythes attached to it. Wouldn't it have been easier to just use the rifle part?"

Margaret laughed.

"That would have taken all the fun out of it. It would have been easier if I just used the rifle, and I probably wouldn't have died like I did, but I don't regret it at all. It added another challenge, to fight people at close range. Also, it meant that I could still use my weapon even if I ran out of bullets."

Yukari wrote this down and said,

"I notice that you avoided my first question. You never said how exactly you got into the assassin business."

Margaret shrugged.

"There isn't much to say. A guy tried to kill me, but I got him first. It turned out that he was a ranked assassin in the UAA, the United Assassins Association. So I fought anyone who tried to take my rank after that, challenged a few people, and made it from 50 to 4 in two years. Any other questions?"  
>Yukari closed the notebook.<p>

"No, I think that's all." She was about to leave, but then she heard a strange sound. It sounded like a bell ringing. It rang only twice, and on the second ring, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, judge of the dead, appeared. She nodded in vague respect to Yukari, but it was clear she wanted the youkai out of the way.

"You aren't dead, Yukari. You've asked your questions, now please leave."

Yukari frowned.

"I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to, but I do have another reason for being here. Think of me as Margaret's defense attorney."

Shikieiki shook her head.

"I must object to that. You can't defend her and she can't be prosecuted. I can see the truth, and that is all that is needed for my trial. Still, if you want to stay here, then I can't stop you." She turned her attention to Margaret and pulled out a crystal hand mirror. "With this, I can see your life. All of your hopes, fears, sins, and goodness. Everything will be laid bare in the mirror's light."

Rather than look in it herself, she pointed the mirror at Margret. The second she looked into it, she saw her life flash before her eyes. It was exactly as how she saw it when she was alive, but now her every action was somehow highlighted. She was stripped of any justification. What sins and virtues she had were painfully clear. A second later, the light was gone, but Margret had seen exactly who and what she was.

"So? How do you feel, Miss Moonlight?"

Margaret grinned in relief.

"I'm fine. Let's get to the judging part."

Surprised, Shikieiki said,

"You seem very confident for a assassin. I can tell you're not lying, so your life can't be too horrible…"She looked into the mirror herself, and her eyes widened. Her whole body trembled. When she looked away, she said, "Sorry, it's just that the mirror always does that to me. Experiencing someone else's life can be very tiring. Now I know you completely, Miss Moonlight. To you, your own life is virtually meaningless. You wanted only to enjoy yourself, and you killed dozens of people in that pursuit. They were trying to kill you first, I will admit, but even so, when you're life was on the line was the only time you truly felt alive. You couldn't find happiness in ordinary life. You were a warrior with no real goal or passion. That's right, you enjoyed battle too much. Your singing was the only other joy you felt, and there is a good point. You loved for people to hear your melody, in good times or in battle. It brought joy or fear into people's hearts, and you knew it. You understand the true power of music, and when you weren't killing, you used it to brighten the lives of others. Yes, there are far better lives than yours, but also far worse. You had no ill intent, and that spares you from Hell."

She seemed relieved to say that, but then frowned. "However, you are not virtuous enough to enter Heaven. My judgment is that you will reside here in the Netherworld." Two portals suddenly opened. "The portal on the left will take you to the Netherworld."

Yukari smiled, knowing what comes next.

Margaret asked,

"And where does the second portal go?"

"The second leads to the house of a man in Gensokyo, dying in his bed. I'm offering you a position as one of the shinigami, the reapers who take the dead souls here to be judged. They don't always come without a fight, so we need people like you. I'm hoping that by doing this, you will be able to make up for your sins and one day reach Heaven. I am not making any guarantees, and if you purposefully lead the dead astray, you will be sent to Hell. Since you know what I'm offering, do you accept?"

* * *

><p>Relieved that everything worked out as well as she had hoped, Yukari left via a gap. When she back to the interview room, she saw Shimi writing something down.<p>

"Now, where did you say you were born, Soul Edge?"

The demonic blade hissed in impotent rage.

"I told you, I don't remember!"

Shimi chuckled.

"Well, I hope your memory improves, or this will be the last question, if you catch my drift. Oh hey, Yukari! How did the interview go?"

Yukari handed his notebook back to him.

"It went well. She answered all of my questions."

"Ok, but how is she?"

"She was judged by Shikieiki."

"And the judgment was…?"

* * *

><p>The old man was confused. A minute ago, he was surrounded by his family on his deathbed, and now he was in some kind of murky darkness. Was this death? Just emptiness? No, he seemed to hear something. Someone singing…<p>

_"Reaper, Reaper, that's what people call me,_  
><em>Why? Cause they all die,<em>  
><em>when I sing, I end their lives…"<em>


	5. Fifth: Kyon

Yukari watched amusedly as Shimi banged his head into the wall. "So what's wrong now, Shimi?" Realizing she was there, he laughed manically.

"Oh good, you're here. You didn't bring that oni friend of yours, by chance? I could you use a drink right now."

"I thought you didn't drink."

"No, but I need something to give me ideas! I haven't made a new interview in months, and the fans are going to kill me!" Yukari chuckled.

"You have fans? That's news to me. Besides, there are plenty of interviews you could do. Pick a anime."

"Um, Soul Eater?"

"Well, Death is a old friend of mine, or we could see Ashura like you said."

"Nah, I just did Soul Eater two chapters ago."

"Hmm… what about that nice girl from Yume Nikki? Her name was Madotsuki, right?"

"NO!" Yukari looked at him like he was crazy, a theory his twitching seemed to support. "I tried to interview her once. She wouldn't talk to me at all when she was awake, so I tried to reach her in her dreams. The problem with that is, my powers don't work in dreams. It was her world, her rules, her story… she made me _see_ things. Horrible things that should never be seen… I couldn't escape until she woke up, and I'll have you know I've been through a lot of therapy to put it behind me!" Yukari groaned.

"Well, think of something else, then." Shimi considered his options and finally said:

"Well, what about Haruhi Suzumiya? She's not supposed to see supernatural stuff so it should be… interesting." Yukari smiled.

"Well then, why are we just sitting here? Let's go."

Kyon walked into the clubroom, and was rather relieved that Haruhi wasn't here yet. In fact, the only other person in the room was Yuki Nagato, who was sitting quietly and reading, not even acknowledging his presence. He sat down and sighed, glad that he could at least have this one moment of peace. Then he frowned, realized he could hear someone narrating. "Hey, Nagato. Do you hear someone talking?" Nagato didn't look up.

"Yes." Kyon groaned, wondering what Haruhi had done to cause this.

"Hey, can you hear me?", Kyon asked the narrator, but I didn't bother to answer him. "Ok, I know you can hear me. Who are you?" He asked futilely, since I had no intention of- Wait, you're not supposed to hear me! "Yeah, well, I can. What are you, some kind of ghost?" No, but I know a few ghosts. Look, I had this whole narration planned out, I was going to talk about what the room looked like and everything, and you screwed it up! Well, the room's not very important this time anyway. Table, window, blah, blah, blah. I'll just get straight to the talking part. Switching to third-person point of view…

One of Yukari's gaps appeared, and Shimi walked out. When he realized Yukari wasn't following him, he said, "Aren't you coming, Yukari?" She laughed.

"Yes, but later. Talk with Kyon or something, I'll be with you soon." Shimi shrugged and the gap disappeared. Looking at Kyon, he smiled.

"So, you're Kyon, yes? It's a honor to meet you. I am Shimi." He held out his hand, and Kyon nervously shook it. "I am here to unravel the mysteries of the universe, one question at a time. You don't mind of I ask you and Miss Nagato some questions, do you?" Kyon sighed.

"I guess not, but I'm still wondering where you came from and how you know who I am."

"I am from a parallel universe much like this one, but with less weirdness, to my regret. I have to bring all the weirdness to it! As for how I know about you, Haruhis shenanigans are rather easy to notice, so I watched them and learned your names. I thought I would meet you all, then interview you one at a time." Amazed, Kyon said,

"You actually _want_ there to be more supernatural stuff in the world? What's wrong with a normal life?" Shimi laughed.

"Oh, there's nothing wrong with normalcy itself, I simply don't care about such things. I interview people, and it only makes sense to go for the most interesting, abnormal people I can find! Like you!" Kyon groaned.

"Fine, what did you want to ask me?"

"Nothing yet, I want to meet everyone first, especially Haruhi. To be honest, I'm a bit nervous about it. I mean, it's Haruhi Suzumiya! I'm still not sure what to say, I don't know how she'll react, it's nerve-racking!" He thought for a minute, and seemed to get an idea. "Ah, that's what I'll do! I'll leave now, then when everyone gets here, I will make my dramatic entrance! Don't tell anyone I was here, ok?" With that said, Shimi disappeared, and Kyon sat down again.

"Poor guy. He has no idea what he's getting into…"

Haruhi walked in with a smile on her face, but before she could say anything, a maniacal laugh filled the room. The lights dimmed, and a monstrous voice said, "Pathetic humans! I have come here to-" The voice was interrupted by Haruhi's screams of joy.

"Finally, something's happening! Is a alien? A monster here to destroy the world? What are you? Tell me!" The voice faltered.

"Um… yes! I'm here to drain the very knowledge from your minds! I will take what you know, and when I'm done, I will reduce your planet to ash! I don't usually make personal visits, but you five are particularly interesting. Your minds will be a excellent appetizer!" A gap appeared in the right wall, and Shimi walked out, holding the demonic blade Soul Edge. Haruhi looked irritated.

"That's disappointing, I thought you would be something interesting." Shimi stared at her, dumbfounded.

"I came out of a portal filled with eyes, and I'm holding a demonic sword. What more do you want? How much more 'interesting' can something get?" Her eyes widened.

"Oh, the sword is some kind of demon? Can I see?"

"No, it's power brainwashes those who hold it! Only I can grab it without being driven insane!" Soul Edge grumbled,

"Unfortunately, I can't work with this boy." It turned its eye to Haruhi. "But what about you, girl? I can sense potential in you, power yet unleashed. Take me, wield me, and I can give you the world!" Haruhi looked uncertain. "Why are you hesitating? Grab my hilt! Take me away from this fool! Grab me! Grab me! GRAB ME!" Irritated with this, Shimi threw the sword back into the gap.

"Honestly, that sword gets so annoying sometimes… so, you're Haruhi, yes? I've traveled across dimensions to find you." She looked at him warily.

"So… you're a slider?"

"A dimension traveler? Yeah, you could say-" He was interrupted by Haruhi hugging him so tightly he couldn't breathe.

"I can't believe it! Finally, something interesting is happening!"

"It won't if I… can't… breathe…" She let him go, a fierce expression on her face.

"And you said you were going to destroy the world, right? I guess the SOS Brigade is going to have to stop you!"

"Well, actually I wasn't going to-" Before he could finish his sentence, Haruhi punched him so hard it knocked him out the window. Shimi screamed as he fell, and everyone looked out the window to see what happened. To their surprise, he was standing on the ground without a scratch. He smiled and rubbed his jaw. "There doesn't seem to be anyone down here… how odd. Anyway, that was a pretty good punch, Haruhi. If I were a normal human, that would have killed me. But you're dealing with something much worse. For you see…" He winced in pain as something dark grew out of his back, ripping holes in his shirt. The things spread to their full length, revealing them to be giant raven wings. He flew back up to the window easily, radiating dark power. "…I am a demon." He flew at them, and everyone backed up, except Haruhi, who just tried to punch him again. Shimi flew back to dodge the attack, giggling. He tried to hide it with his hands for a minute, but soon he was laughing hysterically. He looked at Haruhi with a mix of amusement and awe. "Ah, I'm sorry, I'm just not good at playing the villain. I mean, eating people's knowledge? What would I do, suck their brains out with a straw?" Haruhi's eyes widened.

"What do you mean, playing the villain?"

"Exactly what it sounds like. I was acting, giving you a villain to fight. I wouldn't have had to if you hadn't punched me, but it was fun… anyway, I'm sure you want to know why I came to this dimension, right?"

"If you're not here to destroy the world, why are you here?"

"Simply, put, to have some fun. Could you move away from the window, by the way? I afraid someone will see me." Haruhi moved and he flew in, retracting his wings and repairing his clothes. "Thank you. Now then, why don't I introduce myself? My name is Shimi, and I-" He was interrupted by Yukari walking out of the gap, looking irritated.

"You should be more careful where you throw things. That stupid sword of yours nearly impaled me!" Shimi groaned.

"Well, I'll try not to miss next time! Honestly, is interrupting me going to be the new running gag or some-" Haruhi shoved him aside so she could see Yukari.

"Wow, you look a lot cooler than he did! And there's just something strange about you, it's like you have some kind of aura!" Yukari chuckled.

"Well, if I couldn't a least outshine this boy, what kind of youkai would I be?"

"Oh, you're a youkai? What kind?" Shimi got up and said,

"I doubt she would tell you. I've been trying to find out what she is for months… and I'm way cooler than you, Yukari! I have wings, do you have wings?" Yukari laughed at this.

"Wings that you never used before, which leads me to think it's some kind of illusion. Anyway Haruhi, I'm a one of a kind youkai. I can't be classified so easily. Now, you were telling her why we were here, right Shimi?" Shimi sighed.

"Yes, yes I was. Anyway, this is Yukari Yakumo, my partner. We are here to ask you some questions. Some of them are rather personal, so I'd like to talk with each of you privately. Any objections?" Haruhi considered this.

"I guess not. Who are you talking with first?"

"I'll start with Kyon. While I'm doing that, Yukari will be… actually, what will you be doing?" Yukari shrugged, and said,

"I suppose I will keep the other four busy. Now, what to do…"

"Well, while you figure that out, I'll just take Kyon to the interview room." He walked into Yukari's gap, and Kyon reluctantly followed. As soon as they were in the interview room and sat down, Kyon asked,

"Why did you want to talk with me first?"

"Because there is something only you or Miss Nagato can answer, and she wouldn't give a good response. What I need to know is: What did you think of my entrance? Was it impressive enough?" Kyon frowned.

"It was impressive. A little over the top, actually. Did you have to break the window?"

"No, but I can fix it a lot better than if she'd punched me through the computers or the bookshelf. Now, next question: What's your real name, Kyon? And don't tell me it's…" Shimi mouthed the words 'John Smith' and Kyons eyes widened.

"How do you know that name?" Shimi grinned.

"As I said, I've been watching you."

"But that was three years ago, before Haruhi actually caused anything strange."

"I was watching… thoroughly? Anyway, so what's your real name?" Kyon sighed.

"Alright. My name is-" He was cut off by Haruhi walking out of the gap, saying,

"Hey do you know whether people in Gensokyo speak Japanese?" Shimi replied,

"Yes, they do. Some of them speak English as well, and-" His eyes widened in alarm. "Wait, what? Yukari is… she's taking you to Gensokyo!"

"Yeah, that's what she said, she's giving us a tour." Shimi groaned.

"Great, just great, like I needed something else to screw up… ok, fine! I don't care, just come back alive. Stay out of the forest, the youkai will eat you. Everywhere else you should be ok, just be careful." Haruhi grinned.

"I will, don't worry! See you later!" She ran out through the gap, and Shimi covered his face with his hands.

"Why does something always have to go wrong? Things started out fine, but now it's like I can't go through a interview without some kind of problem! Why can't things just go according to plan? Why can't I have one day, just one, without something crazy happening? First there was the exploding cake, then I couldn't even come to the next interview without dying, and then there was Hinata… oh god, that ended badly." Kyon smiled sympathetically.

"I feel your pain."

"I know you do… Now then, I shouldn't let something like this ruin our interview, so lets move on, shall we? Next question, and answer truthfully: How do you feel about all the weirdness Haruhi puts you through?" Kyon considered this.

"Well, it is annoying, but I really enjoy it. I wouldn't trade this life for any other."

"That's what I thought you would say. As for the next question… oh, I really have to ask you this, don't I?" Kyon looked confused.

"What do you mean?" Shimi smiled apologetically.

"Well, sometimes I don't think things through, and some of the questions I intend to ask are a bit… insensitive. But I have it written down on my notebook, and if I don't ask you now, it'll just nag at me until I do ask you, probably in a much worse situation. So lets get it out of the way now, ok?"

"Fine, what's the question?" Shimi sighed regretfully and asked,

"Do you love Haruhi?" Kyon blushed slightly and said,

"What kind of question is that? You're beginning to sound like Koizumi, and unlike him, I have no problem with punching you…" Shimi chuckled.

"By all means, do punch me. It will tell me a lot about how you feel, although what you have with Haruhi doesn't seem like love in my opinion… but what about Mikuru Asahina, or Yuki Nagato? How do you feel about-" He stopped talking when it looked like Kyon really would punch him. "Ok, I know when to stop badgering someone. It was a dumb question, alright? Can we move on?" Kyon lowered his fist, and Shimi looked through his notebook for a better question, but seemed he didn't have anything else written down. "How embarrassing…" Ignoring Kyons confusion, he kept muttering to himself, trying to come up with a good question, but what else was there to consider? He knew enough about Kyons past, and he didn't have any remarkable powers that he could ask about. He was one of those more or less ordinary people that interesting things happen to. But… what about the future? Realizing he finally found his question, Shimi grinned. "Ok, this is my last question. This may seem a bit odd, but what will you do when you graduate from high school? The fact that you and the rest of your friends go to the same school is one of the reasons you can meet like you do. So, once you're out of high school, what happens then? I imagine Koizumi, Nagato, and Mikuru will stick to Haruhi like glue, that's basically their job. But what will you do?" Surprised, Kyon said,

"I haven't thought about that, so I don't know what I will do. But I think we'll all still be together somehow. After all we've been through, there's no way we could just separate like that."

"So you think Haruhi's power will ensure this? How can you-"

"Be sure? Because I'm not relying on Haruhi to keep us together. I'll make sure it happens." Shimi chuckled.

"So, you'll see to it that the SOS Brigade sticks together, huh? A admirable goal… and one I doubt you will be alone in trying to achieve. They all care about you just as much, I can tell." He stood up. "And if you ever need my help, for whatever the reason, I would be happy to lend it. All you need to do is ask." Kyon stood as well, and asked,

"And how would I find you?"

"Oh, I'll just give you my phone number or something. In the meantime, I'm completely out of questions, and it's time to move on to the next interview. So lets check on your friends, shall we?"


	6. Sixth: Flandre, Koizumi

In the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Remilia and Yukari watched as everything around them dissolved into chaos. Yukari passed some popcorn, and Remilia chuckled. "You were right, Yukari. With someone like her around, it's impossible to be bored." They were watching Haruhi as she tried to kidnap Remilia's fairy maids, babbling something about "taking them home with me!" Koizumi was trying to help her, but he simply wasn't as fast as her and so was left far behind. Nagato had wandered into Patchouli's library and never came back out. The maids themselves were either running away in terror, or trying to stop Haruhi with danmaku bullets. Haruhi didn't even notice their attacks, and they never seemed to actually hit her. Sakuya was also watching this, silently lamenting how much cleaning she would have to do when they left, while answering Mikuru's questions about what being a maid is like. Flandre, wondering what was going on, had sneakily came up from the basement. She smiled at Haruhi's antics, wondering if she'd found a new playmate, hopefully one that wouldn't break so easily. Humans are so fragile, she thought, but this one seemed different.

* * *

><p>Outside the mansion, the gatekeeper Meiling was standing guard, making sure no one got inside. Well, she thought, no one <em>else<em> got inside, since Yukari and her friends bypassed her completely via gap. Still, it seemed Remilia had invited them, so it wasn't that big of a problem. What might be a problem, however, were the two new people walking towards the gate. As soon as they were in earshot, she shouted,

"Halt! Who are you?" One of them shouted back,

"My name is Shimi, and this is my friend Kyon. We don't mean you or your mistress any harm, we just want to know: Has Yukari Yakumo been here recently? If she has, did she have anyone with her?" Meiling nodded as the two came closer.

"Yes, she came here a while ago with some humans." She frowned, uncertain. "At least, I think they were humans…"

Shimi smiled, and Kyon looked relieved.

"See, Kyon? I told you they were at the mansion. Why did you think they would be in the forest?"

Kyon shrugged.

"It seemed obvious. You told her not to go there."

"Exactly. It was too obvious." Shimi looked at Meiling curiously. "Say, have we met? I know I'm scheduled to meet you at some point."

Meiling shook her head.

"Sorry, I've never seen you before. Now, why are you two here?"

"Simply put, we're here to find Yukari and the others and bring them home. If you would step aside, we can get that done a lot quicker." Meiling scowled and moved into a combat stance.

"I can't let you do that. Only those my mistress has invited may come in!" Kyon said calmly,

"Then why don't you ask her if we can come in? We'll wait until you come back."

Surprised, Meiling asked,

"How do I know you will stay here? For all I know, you'll sneak in the second I'm not looking."

Shimi laughed.

"You know we won't do that because then you and Sakuya would end up fighting us, and that's something I'd rather avoid. We're not looking for trouble."

Meiling relaxed somewhat.

"…Fine. I'll ask Mistress Remilia if you can enter. Don't do anything while I'm gone, or you'll regret it!" She walked into the mansion, and the two waited.

Since the fairy maids were still being hounded by Haruhi, Sakuya brought in a tray of food for everyone. Yukari and Remilia had some tea, but Sakuya hadn't sure what to get for Mikuru. She asked, "Miss Asahina, what would like to eat?"

Mikuru considered this, and finally said,

"I would like some pudding, please." Sakuya snarled, and her eyes glowed red.

"DID YOU JUST SAY PADDING?" Several knifes suddenly appeared, all pointed at Mikuru. The poor girl squealed in fright. Remilia chuckled and flew between them.

"Sakuya, that's not what she said. She said pudding, the kind of dessert. Now, I order you to get it for her. Oh, and make me some too. With blood, of course." The knifes disappeared, and Sakuyas eyes returned to normal. She bowed.

"Of course, mistress. I will see to it." She walked off, though not before giving Mikuru one last glare. About that time, Meiling barged into the mansion.

"Lady Scarlet! We have two visitors!"

Remilia raised an eyebrow.

"Is that so? Then why didn't you get rid of them?"

"They said they were here to find Yukari and their friends and take them home!"

Haruhi looked up at this, furious.

"Take me home? Why would I want to do that?"

Meiling ignored her.

"Should I let them in, mistress?" Remilia nodded, and Meiling ran off to tell their new guests the good news.

* * *

><p>Kyon was ready starting to worry. Shimi was talking with someone on his phone, but the conversation was… disturbing. Shimi smiled and said, "Yeah, it has been a while since we saw each other, hasn't it? …Really? I didn't know that could explode… are you sure it was a good idea to set it on fire, though? …Yes, I know you felt like it, but you should really think before you… what do you mean, 'so should I?' Oh, I hurt you one time, and suddenly I'll never live it down! …Ok, yeah, it did kill you, but at least I brought you back! Doesn't that count for… yes… no… look, I'm in the minute of something, I can't… I'm sure you can handle… look, you'll be fine, we all get attacked by monsters sometimes… Anyway, the gatekeeper is coming back, I have to go… ok. See you later!" He hung up. Seeing Kyon's look, he said, "What? It was my nephew. You wouldn't believe the messes we've got into…" I'm not sure I want to know, thought Kyon. Meiling walked up to them and said,<p>

"The mistress said you can come in. Try to be careful, I heard shouting on the way in." Shimi and Kyon walked inside, quickly making their way to the corridor where all the noise seemed to come from. They found Haruhi wrestling a fairy to the ground. She was trying to drag her off, but the fairy's squirming made this impossible. Noticing Shimi and Kyon, she said,

"Hey, can you two help me with this?"

Shimi looked at Kyon.

"Does she mean help her _catch _the fairy, or to help _stop _her from catching it?"

Haruhi glared at him.

"Just shut up and help me!"

"I'm sorry, but I really don't think-" He saw Haruhi's look, and sighed. "Fine." He walked over to the two and put his hand on the fairy's head. His eyes glowed for a second, and she fell asleep. Satisfied, Haruhi picked up the fairy and started to walk off.

Shimi and Kyon hurried to keep up. Shimi asked,

"Umm, Haruhi? What are you going to do with the fairy?"

Haruhi grinned.

"Well, I'm gonna find out what fairies are like, of course!" She frowned. "By the way, someone showed up a while ago saying someone was coming to take me home. Do she mean you?" Shimi nodded, and Haruhi spun around, making him stumble. "Why would I ever want to go back? Have you seen this place? It's amazing!"

Shimi backed away, and said,

"Well, it's not like you can't come back. No one ever said that." Haruhi smiled and grabbed him, pulling him upright.

"Really? I can come back whenever I want?"

"W-well, no one said that either… there's no telling what would happen if you were here in Gensokyo all the time, but yeah, you can come for a visit every now and then."

Haruhi let him go, and asked,

"So, what else is in Gensokyo? There's fairies, what else?"

Shimi snickered.

"What else is there, you ask? Everything, Haruhi. Everything is here!"

* * *

><p>Koizumi stood up, panting. Haruhi had run off chasing fairies, and he had no idea where. All of the halls were the same blood red color, so he had no way of knowing where she went. "Well," he said, smiling, "At least she's happy." He looked up, and smiled eerily at the girl clinging to the ceiling. "Hello there. Were you hiding from me?" Flandre dropped down in front of him, a bit surprised by how calm he was.<p>

"No, I was following you so I can find that girl. The really fast one that was chasing the fairies."

Koizumi nodded.

"Ah, you're looking for Miss Suzumiya as well. You wouldn't have any idea where she went, would you?"

Flandre shook her head.

"Sorry, big sis never lets me out of the basement."

"And why is that?" Flandre shrugged. "Well, I suppose I'll just follow you then, Miss…"

Flandre grinned.

"Oh, I'm Flandre Scarlet!"

"Well, Miss Scarlet, which way do you think she went?" Flandre looked around, pointed down a random hallway, and the two walked off.

* * *

><p>"So you see, Haruhi, if you look in Gensokyo long enough you'll find just about any supernatural creature you can think of."<p>

Haruhi grinned.

"Ok, so where do I start looking?"

Shimi considered this.

"Well, this mansion would be a good start, it has vampires, a magician, and a time-stopping maid. Oh, and Meiling the bodyguard, but she isn't all that interesting. But before you do any of that, could you answer a few questions? I did come here so I could interview you, after all."

"Well, alright. What do you want to know?"

"First, let's find a room with chairs. I don't like doing interviews standing up if I can help it. Brace yourself, this may be a bit disorienting…" He snapped his fingers, and suddenly they were in the mansion's foyer, with Yukari, Mikuru, and Remilia. "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you two, can I just borrow a couple of these chairs?" Remilia nodded, and Shimi teleported away again, Haruhi and several of the chairs vanishing with him.

* * *

><p>Koizumi and Flandre were lost, but Flandre refused to admit it. Any fairies they saw that could have given them directions ran off on sight, and after the third time this happened, Flandre was starting to get annoyed. So when they ran into another fairy a few minutes later, she grinned maliciously and swiftly pinned the poor maid to the ground. Koizumi smiled. "Thank you, Miss Scarlet. I couldn't possibly have caught her." Seeing Flandre's grin, he added, "Be careful, we don't want to hurt her."<p>

Flandre looked at him in surprise.

"We don't? But I wanted to play with her!"

"What does that have to do with hurting her?"

"Well, I grab her 'eye', like this!" She held up a strange red orb. "That's her 'eye'! and them I crush it, like this!" She did so, and the fairy exploded. Flandre giggled at the sight, while Koizumi looked horrified.

"You killed her…"

"Yeah, but she'll be back!"

"She… she will?"

"Sure, she'll come back to life! Then we can ask her for directions, and I can make her go boom again!"

Koizumi calmed down slightly, enough that he returned to his usual eerie smile.

"Maybe… maybe you shouldn't do that this time."

"Why not?"

"Well, have you considered that she might not like being blown up?"

"But it's fun!"

"Maybe for you, but what about her?"

Flandre's eyes widened in shock. The idea that the fairy might not have liked getting blown up had never occurred to her.

"I… I thought…" Before she could say anything else, Shimi, Haruhi and Kyon appeared next to her. Haruhi and Kyon looked slightly disoriented, and Shimi smiled at Flandre.

"Ah, hello, Flandre! How've you been?"

She looked at him, and he was surprised to see tears in her eyes.

"I… I remember you. You were that boy who showed up in the basement back then. You said you wanted to play, but then you ran off making that weird whimpering noise when I blew up your sword. Did you… did you come back to play with me? I'm sorry about the sword…"

"No, that's ok, I got a new one. And I might play with you later, but now I want to ask a few questions. For a start, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Flandre pointed at Koizumi.

"He… he said that…" Before she could finish her sentence, Haruhi ran over to Koizumi and grabbed him by his shirt, yelling,

"What do you do to her, huh? How could you possibly make this cute little-" She looked at Flandre, then Shimi. "Hey, what is she?"

"She's a vampire."

"Yeah, how could you make this cute little vampire girl cry, huh?"

Koizumi didn't look particularly worried about any of this. His only reaction to being pulled off his feet was to frown slightly.

"I'm sorry, Miss Suzumiya, but I didn't mean for her to cry. I was just trying to make her understand that killing people isn't a good idea."

Flandre shuddered slightly.

"I never thought that they weren't happy… I thought I was making them happy too… I won't do it again, I promise."

Shimi smiled and knelt down so he could hug her. Surprised yet overjoyed, Flandre hugged him back, so strongly that he could barely breathe and he felt like his spine was about to snap.

"F-Flandre, could you let go, please?" She did, and he stood up shakily. "Another thing you should know: try not to hug people so hard, you could break them."

Flandre looked horrified.

"I could?"

"Yes, but don't look so worried. You just don't know your own strength, you'll figure these things out with time. Now then… you've learned a few new things today, so I think it's my turn to learn. Please, take a seat." He gestured to the seats he brought with him. He sat down as well and pulled out a notebook. "I suppose I'll start with you, Flandre. Tell me, what do you think the world is like?"

Flandre considered this.

"I don't know. I guess it would be dark and pretty, because I always see the moon out and there's shadows everywhere. And sometimes I see these shiny things in the sky. I wish I could just go out and touch them... And I saw a big mountain, a bunch of trees, and fairies. Lots of fairies. Big sis told me that they're really annoying."

Shimi wrote all this down and nodded.

"Fairies can be. Now, speaking of her, how do you feel about your sister?"

"Oh, Remi's amazing! She's so smart and strong!" She frowned slightly. "Do you mind if I tell you something? It has to be a secret!"

Shimi leaned in closer, curious.

"Don't worry, I can keep a secret."

"Well… Big sis told me I had to rest in the basement until I got better. Until my mind wasn't all funny. But… does it have to be so long? I want to leave. I do. But sometimes I'm scared… I think, what if I don't ever get better? What if I won't ever leave? Sometimes I think, it would be so easy, to just grab big sis and break her, just snap her in two… maybe that's why I have to stay inside. I'm not well. I won't ever be, will I?"

"Flandre, don't say that! You'll get better, I know you will. You just need to relax a bit, think clearly, and… yeah, you need to do a lot of learning, I suppose… and I think, with your sister's permission, that I know the perfect person to teach you. I'll introduce the two of you later… Anyway, I have one last question for you. Where did you get your sword from?"

"I don't know… I think Remi gave it to me… that was nice… my 50th birthday…"

"I see… well, I have one more question. What do you eat?"

"Your questions are weird… well, Sakuya usually makes me cakes and stuff."

"Ah…" Shimi wrote down 'blood cakes' and decided to move on. "Well, that's all my questions for you, Flandre. Koizumi, I believe it's your turn, if you don't mind."

Koizumi's smiled widened slightly.

"Not at all. What would you like to know?"

"For a start, be completely honest with me. I want to know how you really feel about coming to Gensokyo. Does it… bother you? Surprise you at all?"

"Well, I suppose it is a bit surprising. I must admit, I wasn't expecting anything like this to happen… but then again, after everything I've been through, I can't say I'm very shocked."

Haruhi looked confused.

"What are you talking about? This doesn't seem amazing to you? How can you say that? And what do you mean, 'everything you're been through'?" She narrowed her eyes. "You're hiding something from me, aren't you?"

Koizumi's smile finally dropped, and he let out a sigh.

"Well, considering all you've seen here, I suppose there's no point in denying all the supernatural things that I've seen… and done. My organization was hoping to leave you in the dark about everything, since they had no idea what would happen if you discovered such things… but now that this guy has shown you… Gensokyo, did you say it was called? You can finally see that there's more to the world than the ordinary. So I suppose I don't mind telling you my secret. You see, Miss Suzumiya, I'm what you might call an esper." Seeing Haruhi's frown, he chuckled. "I see you don't believe me, but I am telling the truth. Ordinarily, I'm a average human, but in certain circumstances, I can use my abilities. Apparently, simply being in Gensokyo is one of them." He opened his palm, and a orb of red energy appeared, along with a look of pure joy on Haruhi's face. "It's good to see you so happy, Miss Suzumiya. I use these powers to fight off creatures that threaten the world. As for why you were kept in the dark… well, you yourself aren't exactly a normal human. Strange things happen around you, and my organization has worked very hard to keep you from noticing. Not that it matters now, of course, since all of that work just crumbled to pieces the second Shimi showed up."

Shimi chuckled.

"What can I say? It amused me. I derail plans all the time. Although, to be fair, I do try to make things work out for the best if I can. For instance, now that you're being completely honest, not only can you answer my questions more openly, you won't have to lie to Haruhi anymore. Isn't that nice?"

Haruhi kept staring at the orb in Koizumi's hand, and said,

"What do you mean, strange things happening around me? I've had the SOS Brigade searching everywhere for interesting things, but they never-" Her eyes widened. "No… you were all… don't tell me everyone was hiding things from me!"

Shimi snickered.

"Ok, I won't. It's not bad as you think, though. Everything-" Before he could say anything else, Haruhi pulled him out of his chair.

"Not as bad as I think? What do you know about me, huh? How dare you! You're treating all of this like some kind of joke! How do you think you'd feel if you found out all of your friends were lying to you?" Shimi's response was to chuckle guiltily.

"I see your point, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated this so lightly… but as I was saying, there's more to this than you think. Do you know why they were hiding things from you? Because, as Koizumi said, these strange things happen _around you_. They didn't know what to make of it, except Kyon. He was just sort of dragged into all this. But the others… they didn't know how all of this weirdness was happening, except that you were causing it somehow, unconsciously. Think of it as a tree that bears fruit, except the fruit can be literally anything and it isn't aware it's making it. I think what Koizumi and his group was worried about is what you would do if you consciously started making things happen. Just imagine, Haruhi, if you idly thought, say, it would be nice if cats could talk, and then cats everywhere start talking. Can you see the problem? In short, they're worried you'll alter reality and destroy the world. But… from what I can see, you're not that stupid. I could have done this interview a bit more discreetly, seen everyone separately, but that didn't seem to be the right thing to do. At any rate… could you let go of my jacket? You seem to be grabbing people at lot lately…" She let him go and set down, the shock in her eyes plain. "Now then… I think it's your turn, Haruhi."

Haruhi shook her head.

"No, not yet. I'll answer your questions, but first I want to hear from the rest of the SOS Brigade. If he's an esper, then just think of what sort of amazing things everyone else is!" The shock in her eyes had been replaced with excitement and determination.

"My, you recovered quickly... Fine, let's start with Mikuru, shall we?" He snapped his fingers and all five of them disappeared.


End file.
